A poem I just wrote…does it need any polishing?
Suggestions appreciated…
Barren soul devoid of care
Withered life exudes despair
Trembling hand with no regret
Turns the key to release, to forget
Smoking barrel sighs relief
Copper savior nurtures grief
Loathed breath now takes it’s flight
Abandoning it’s pointless plight
Crimson poison flow from me
Wash away the agony
Swaddled now in peaceful rest
Heed the smile-I have been blessed
this actually almost made me cry (long story)
it’s really good but it does need polishing
i think that the “turns the key to release, to forget” is to wordy and it doesn’t fit
and you don’t necessarily turn a key on a gun, you pull a trigger. i know it’s figurative, but it sounds kind of awkward
if you wan’t to leave it though, perhaps make it: turn the key: release, forget
it fits more, syllable-wise
and change loathed to loathing
find a synonym for abandoning or pointless to take out a syllable (maybe change pointless to idle)
otherwise, it’s fantastic- well done
edit: these are all suggestions, i just tend to sound kind of commanding, sorry
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